good enough

Hey there, long time no see.

And left to my own Self, I don’t know when or if I would’ve come back at all. Sounds desperately final, I know, but I truly cannot imagine the line of thought or action that I, alone, could’ve taken to led me back here.

Fortunately, I’m not alone.

***

I’m grateful for compassionate coaches like Laurie Foley, who, when I struggled to get back to work after my vacation, didn’t tell me to get a backbone and pull up my big girl panties and get back to building my digital empire because the world needs me and who am I to deny my brilliance. Guh.

Instead, she said, “Try sitting at your desk for a few minutes. You don’t have to do anything, just get used to being there again.” And it worked.

I’m too glad for a timely connection with Sue Mitchell, whose home page twanged my taut resistance with its fourth line. And its sixth. And its eighth.

And I bow to Jen Hoffman, who greets our Creative Haven group with “You’re welcome just as you are” (which makes me cry and/or sigh with relief every time) and introduced us to Kassy Daggett.

Kassy led our group through an exercise that went something like this—

1. State your unbeneficial core belief
2. Carry forward its underlying positive intention
3. Compose a new belief that supports that positive intention in a beneficial way

Which for me went like this—

• Unbeneficial belief: My best isn’t good enough
  (which hinders me from starting, finishing, publishing, and delivering)
• Positive intention: This keeps me safe from criticism and disappointment—mine and others
• Beneficial belief: My best effort is good enough to get feedback I can use to make my best better

Which may not be quite right, but it works for now—heh.

And I wrote it just in time.

***

I felt released and relieved with that new belief. It makes sense, I stand tall with it, and I took it to heart.

So I pinned it up at my desk and sat down to the afternoon’s work. With stage fright’s sweaty palms I did a small project for a client. It met the requirements…I wasn’t 100% satisfied but, with my new belief in mind, I sent it to the client for feedback anyway. It wasn’t perfect, but for a first draft it was good enough.

Except it wasn’t.

***

It’s hard to read mood from an email, but when ya read—and I’m paraphrasing here—”This doesn’t look like a project you were excited about” and “Don’t let me ask you to do something you don’t want to do” and “This is night and day to work you’ve done for others” and “What’s up with you?”…it’s clear something’s gone awry.

I thought four things in an instant—

• WTF?
• They feel cheated.
• They’re disappointed.
• I followed our plan and did the best I could.

And then after a deep breath and a pause, I thought: Wow, that was some unexpected yet interesting feedback.

And there it was. The Dreaded Thing happened, made worse because it happened with someone I care for and about.

I’d let them down.

My work didn’t measure up.

It wasn’t good enough.

And, by rational yet unreasonable extension, if the work was a disappointment then so. Was. I.

***

Guess what didn’t happen.

The world didn’t end.

There was a nasty little inside voice that sneered, “I told you this would happen,” and what could I do except nod and say, “Yeah, you were right” ?

And yet: The world didn’t end. I’d catastrophized Coming Up Short to the point I truly expected everything to stop when it happened. To my mind, delivering Disappointment would be like falling off a cliff: very fast uncontrollable movement in one direction that can only end in broken bits.

Imagine my surprise when it wasn’t so. I simply replied with my concern they thought I hadn’t done my best, explained my process, questioned what they were using for comparison, reminded them of the direction we’d chosen for their project, suggested specific areas that could use work, and asked for additional feedback.

Shocked the shit outta myself with that, I tell ya. All this time I’d anticipated quaking and crying at the feet of DOOOOOOM, but it came down to a pause between washer and dryer to type a few paragraphs into my phone and clicking Send.

One email exchange later and their expectations were managed, apologies were made on both sides, promises were made for more clarity next time, and we’re continuing on.

Nothing like my imagined cliff fall. It didn’t move too fast. It wasn’t out of control. No broken bits. No inevitable demise.

Fascinating.

I’m way grateful for the client who gifted me with this early, sudden, successful(!) test of my new belief.

Ask and the Universe delivers. Don’t ask and stuff comes at you anyway. Prepare to take the hit.

***

And so I’m back. Feeling a lot vulnerable and a little courageous. Which is a good place to be, so I hear. :- )

.

Best of everything for 2012 and ever after,