last known good

My bodymind and I agree. I’m going to give it everything it wants.

To say “we negotiated” would be a bald-faced lie, because I have no cards to play. Hearts trump all, yo.

The truth is: I’ve spent days thinking back on when I’ve felt best, when I’ve felt worst, and rediscovering the actions (and inactions) that align with feeling good and feeling bad.

I didn’t have to rewind very far to find what computer-people call a Last Known Good. In Geek Speak, that’s the last time a computer functioned as expected…before something bad got added, before something important got deleted, before a virus swept through and jacked stuff up, there was a moment when it was all good.

And sometimes, when the malfunction is a mystery or when the faults are irretrievable, the best way to fix a computer is to erase all the changes between this moment and that one. That one last moment we know, for sure, that everything was good.

You see the problem with that, right?

Going back to Good means losing all that happened between now and then, whether it was beneficial or non-beneficial. Whether it helped or hurt. Going back to Good is a deep sacrifice, second only to erasing everything from the machine and starting over.

Unfortunately—or not—we can’t roll back time and pick up our lives from the last moment things were good for us. We can’t unhappen the Crazy that occurred between then and now to create our current state of Suck.


For me, the Last Known Good was January—of this year, yay!—and, really-truly? I wouldn’t sacrifice the past six months of awesomeness and annoyances, blessings and bullshit, craziness and crap just to avoid that freakish afternoon in the ER.

For one thing, I don’t wanna learn all those lessons again! And for another thing…actually, that is the other thing. That’s the only thing. That’s everything.

I wouldn’t go back, even if I could.
Even if going back would bring me, instantly, to Good.

Because even as my connection to my bodymind was going way wrong, other relationships and joinings and becomings were going way, way right. And I wouldn’t sacrifice them for anything…not even to feel 100% right now.

Besides, I’m feeling 80% today—and thankful for it, dontcha know? And instead of worrying on the time and effort it’ll take to recover that 20%, I’ve been thinking on what, exactly, went into making my Last Known Good so goshdarned good.

And it’s interesting.

I have more work and more money now than I did then. And while that’s awesome and I’m hugely grateful, that means more clients and more cash weren’t the keys to Good.

Good came from bouncing around to Dance Central every morning, followed by Kinect Sports’ ping-pong, bowling, and beach volleyball, and then a lonnnng quiet bit of stretching.

Good came from eating a simple breakfast, a leisurely lunch sans work, and a real dinner I started midday so I could clock out of both home and office work at 6pm.

Good came from writing 750 words every day to acknowledge and organize my thoughts.

Good came from tidying the apartment for half an hour before bed…washing stuff up, putting stuff back, throwing stuff out.

Good came from 8 hours of refreshing sleep that’s the nightly reward for doing Good all day.

And so it’s nutty. The difference between feeling good—great, actually—and being a twitching, bawling wreck on a bed in the ER is to spend a few hours every day on stuff I like to do.

The difference isn’t a 4-hour work week, or a fortune, or Internet fame, or a picture-perfect life. Nosir. Just some good fun, some good food, and taking good care.

And there’s not much else to say about that.

Except, of course, I wonder how long it’s been since your Last Known Good…when everything felt aligned and in tune for you. Yesterday? Last week? Last month? Years ago?

I ain’t judging. I ain’t even asking. Just…wondering.


Big love,